Strong communication skills are essential in sales. But what happens when good intentions come off the wrong way? That’s exactly the situation Jack, a salesperson, found himself in—and how understanding Transactional Analysis helped turn things around.
The Problem: When “Direct” Comes Across as “Antagonistic”
Jack received feedback from multiple sources—clients, colleagues, and prospects—that his communication style needed work. One critical comment came during a quarterly business review. A key client contact told Jack and his manager, Myra:
“Jack often confuses being direct with being antagonistic. He issues orders. And frankly, that sometimes makes working with your company difficult.”
The account was on the line. Myra salvaged the relationship—temporarily—and recommended that Jack begin working with her to explore Transactional Analysis (TA) and improve his communication style.
What Is Transactional Analysis (TA)?
Transactional Analysis is a psychological framework developed by Dr. Eric Berne. It categorizes human behavior into three distinct ego states:
Parent (P)
Adult (A)
Child (C)
Each of these ego states influences how we think, feel, and communicate. Recognizing which state you're operating from is key to communicating more effectively in both professional and personal contexts.
The Parent Ego State
The Parent ego state is formed early in life—typically by age six. It records messages from authority figures, both nurturing and critical, and replays them later in life.
Nurturing Parent
These messages are supportive and encouraging. Examples include:
“You can be anything you want to be.”
“You did your best; that’s all that matters.”
“Everything will be alright.”
Critical Parent
These are more judgmental or commanding:
“Don’t speak unless spoken to.”
“Can’t you do anything right?”
“How many times do I have to tell you?”
Important Insight:
When you tell others what to do in a commanding tone, you’re likely speaking from your Critical Parent—the very issue Jack was struggling with.
The Child Ego State
The Child ego state reflects our emotions and early responses to life. It also begins forming at birth and finishes by around age six.
You know your Child ego state is active when:
You feel strong emotions like fear, excitement, or frustration.
You use phrases like “I want,” “I hope,” or “I wish.”
The Child ego state is not inherently bad—but it needs guidance from your Adult to avoid emotional reactivity.
The Adult Ego State
Your Adult ego state is the logical, analytical part of your personality. It starts recording at around ten months of age and continues throughout your life.
This state is:
Rational and curious
Focused on facts, not feelings
In charge of processing new information
Think of the Adult as “Command Central.” With practice, it can guide both your Parent and Child states for more balanced, effective communication.
The Formula for Effective Communication in Sales
For high-stakes interactions—like sales meetings, negotiations, and client check-ins—aim to communicate from these two ego states:
70% Nurturing Parent
30% Adult
This blend ensures that your tone is warm and empathetic, while your message remains logical and grounded. There’s no room in this equation for the Critical Parent or the reactive Child.
The Turnaround: Jack’s Transformation
By learning to recognize when his Critical Parent messaging was active, Jack was able to shift toward using his Nurturing Parent and Adult states. Weekly coaching sessions with Myra helped him practice this shift.
At the next quarterly business review, the tone had changed. Jack was more balanced, more thoughtful—and more effective. The client noticed the improvement, and the relationship was secured.
Final Takeaway: Better Communication Starts with Awareness
If you want to improve your communication with clients, colleagues, and prospects, start by understanding the ego state you're operating from. Leading with empathy and logic creates stronger connections—and better sales outcomes.
