In Sales, it’s easy to get lost in scripts and pitches until you start sounding like a robot. Having a real conversation can feel surprisingly hard. And some of you are probably thinking, “but Philip, I try to ask them questions, but they aren’t willing to talk”. And that’s going to happen from time to time. It’s probably because they don’t feel safe opening up to you yet. Sandler Rule #1 is “Sales is a conversation between adults to uncover the truth”.
Which complements Rule #32, “the problem the buyer brings you is never the real problem”. A good communication coach knows that the primary intent needs to be to have a candid conversation about what’s actually happening with a buyer’s business. Candidness comes from trust, and trust comes from vulnerability.
An Excerpt From Charles Duhigg
It’s important to understand what vulnerability actually is. Basically, when I say something that you could judge, it puts me in a certain mindset. I will pay very, very close attention to how you react, even without me realizing that I was paying close attention. And if you respond by judging me, I will deem you less safe and therefore less trustworthy & less likeable. But if you withhold judgment, or even better if you tell me something about yourself that I could judge in return, then I will trust you more. I will feel more connected to you. And when you say that thing, you're looking to see how I react. So that's what vulnerability is—just saying something that the other person might judge.
What Does Effective Communication Look Like In Reality?
The topics don’t have to be personal in nature. It could be as simple as “I feel like I’m behind on understanding all the new things going on with AI”. Or, “it’s exhausting keeping up with the Kardashians. I don’t know why they’d name the show that”. You’re opening the door to potential judgment, which can feel terrifying. If the other party doesn’t respond the way you want, then at least you will have learned something about them. I wouldn’t immediately flip over the desk and leave in a huff, but you now have a potential pattern to watch for. The pattern might indicate this is not someone you want a relationship with, business or otherwise.
Sandler’s Rule #23 is “you can’t not communicate” (a.k.a. everything communicates). Effective communication involves everything, from punctuality, our gestures, our tone to our words. They all communicate something to the other party. Something that doesn’t get talked about enough is the context for the conversation. If you base your script and tonality solely based on personality types, then you stand a good chance of approaching the conversation ineffectively. Pay attention to an idea called the “matching principle”. Basically you want to ensure you’re having the same type of conversation as your conversation partner.
An Excerpt From Charles Duhigg
When we're having a discussion, we tend to think that we know what that discussion is about, right? But actually, what neuroscientists find is that we're having many different kinds of conversations at once that each use different parts of the brain. In general, these different kinds of conversations tend to fall into one of three buckets:- There are practical conversations where we're making plans or solving problems.
- There are emotional conversations, where I tell you what I'm feeling, and I don't want you to solve my feelings; I want you to empathize.
- And finally, there are social conversations, which are about how you and I relate to each other, how we relate to society, and how we think of other people.
That was an excellent reminder for me. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to figure out what type of conversation the other person is trying to have. You mainly have to ask and adjust accordingly. So instead of suggesting ways for your spouse to overcome their work frustration (which they didn’t ask for), you can ask something like “Hey, it sounds like you were in a difficult position. Did it bother you? Tell me about that.” Let their response indicate if they would prefer your next statement be “I’m sorry, dear” or “Been there, here’s what I would do”. Ta-da, you’re a step closer to effective communication!
The goal of improving communication skills (like everything in Sales) is not to achieve perfection. The goal is to connect with another person and see if we’d like to form a relationship. The best communicators ask a ton of questions and adapt their approach as needed. Over time, the approach becomes natural, or at least as natural as talking with another person can feel for some of you. Don’t give up and decide to send a text instead. Especially if you’re planning to have ChatGPT write it for you. It doesn’t appreciate any of my humor, unless I tell it to.
If you’d like to talk more about this topic, or want to hear more about how Sandler brings these concepts to life, please drop me a line. I’ll make it a fun conversation. At least for me.
