"The key to successful selling is to have a better system than the one your buyer has been using on you for years."
In his book You Can't Teach a Kid to Ride a Bike at a Seminar, David Sandler recounts a breakthrough moment: realizing prospective buyers had his number.
They already knew what he was going to do and say before he even opened his mouth. Not only that, but they'd also already developed a system designed to defend against whatever he planned to do in any meeting! Sandler had lost the battle before it began.
Here's what happened: Buyers picked Sandler's brain, got his best insights on how to solve their problem, took careful note of his best ideas, nodded thoughtfully . . . and then took what he'd shared and did one of four things with it. They'd shop the idea around, often using it to squeeze their current vendor; they'd forget all about the idea; they'd steal some or all of the idea guilt-free without working with or paying the guy who'd come up with it; or they'd buy. Options one through three featured a disappearing act we would today call "ghosting." Option four didn't happen often enough, or at a level of financial commitment that made economic sense for the seller.
Sandler realized he was taking part in a dance that the buyer always led. That manipulative dance was—and remains—the status quo for most sellers.
Salespeople have a "great conversation" with a prospective buyer. They take lots of notes. They put together a detailed proposal. Then they fall off the radar screen, and they start chasing. They leave voicemails, send follow-up messages, and compose "just-checking-in" emails. Throughout this dance, they're working way too hard for someone who isn't a customer.
That's not selling—that's hoping. And hope is not a strategy. In what Sandler called the "buyer-seller dance," we all face a clear choice: hope or agency.
To lead the dance, we must know and apply a proven proactive selling methodology. Merely showing up, following instructions, and "educating" the buyer is not enough.
Why the Buyer's Dance Exists
Sandler believed the sales process should be viewed as a win-win situation. Yet as any salesperson who has spent time in the trenches knows, buyers often see themselves as people with something to lose: their money, time, and/or reputation. As a result, they usually come to adopt an adversarial approach to interactions with salespeople. This is why the buyer's dance exists.
Under the buyer's system, the goal is to get as much as possible from the salesperson without committing to a purchase. So buyers prudently manage their own time while freely spending the salesperson's time, because they know that the more time a salesperson invests in a sale, the more eager that salesperson will be to win the business. . . which strengthens the buyer's position.
In fact, many buyers believe they're doing the salesperson a favor by granting them an audience or reading their texts or emails. They think salespeople should be grateful to communicate with them at all and should willingly assume a subservient role in the buyer-seller dance. That's why we find ourselves wasting time with people who never buy, or we end up in a "race to the bottom" bidding war with the competition for the lowest price.
How to Lead the Dance?
There is a better way. Sandler's second breakthrough moment came when he realized that his situation was the direct result of decisions he had made as a salesperson . . . and that he could make different decisions. Salespeople, not buyers, it turns out, are responsible for the sad state of buyer-seller relations.
Most salespeople are too hard or too soft in their sales approach. Aggressive salespeople have trained buyers to assume a defensive posture; subservient salespeople have allowed buyers to take complete control. When we adopt either approach, we drive buyers to assume control of the dance.
Whether we succeed or fail as salespeople depends mainly on our ability to establish an equal business stature with our buyers. Not pushy. Not subservient. Equal in stature. That means communicating with buyers as peers, being warm and nurturing in our communication, but firm in our commitment, consistency, and confidence when buyers attempt to manipulate us, as they inevitably will.
Most salespeople are not aware of the manipulative measures buyers take. They fail because they do not yet know how to take control of the dance and lead buyers through the process as a trusted consultant. This is both an art and a skill.
Contrary to popular belief, selling is a noble profession; the sales process can be something both parties enjoy, and helping others through it is a real, tangible, and teachable skill.
David Sandler developed the Sandler Sales Methodology because he held these truths to be self-evident:
- Salespeople are professionals and deserve respect.
- The buyer must qualify for the salesperson's time, not the other way around.
- Salespeople are responsible for following a repeatable, scalable system.
We can really take the uncertainty, worry, and pressure out of the dance . . . if we understand the psychology behind every sale, learn to identify opportunities worth our time, and practice the art and skill of leading the dance.
When we lead the dance, we retain control of the variables that make positive outcomes more frequent and predictable.
FREE REPORT |
Data-Driven Approach to Modernize Sales Organizations in 2025
 |
