A buyer tells you your price is too high. What happens next?
You may immediately start defending the number. You may feel pressure to offer a concession. You may find yourself thinking, They shouldn’t be treating us this way. Or perhaps your sales manager’s voice suddenly appears in your head: Whatever you do, don’t lose this deal.
At that point, you may no longer be negotiating solely with the person in front of you. You may also be negotiating with a collection of old messages, assumptions, and reactions you have accumulated over a lifetime. Understanding that distinction can make you a better negotiator.
THREE INFLUENCES ON HUMAN BEHAVIOR
In the late 1950s, psychologist Dr. Eric Berne developed a model called Transactional Analysis, or TA. Berne proposed that three different influences operate within each of us: the Parent, the Child, and the Adult. For sales professionals, understanding all three is essential.
It may be useful to think of the Parent state as an audio recorder. From early childhood onward, we absorb messages from parents and other authority figures about what is right and wrong, what we should and should not do, and how people are supposed to behave. Those recordings do not simply disappear when we grow up. We fall back on them and they can shape our behavior in many ways. A salesperson may adapt the recordings into new forms, and end up carrying messages such as Never challenge the customer. The customer is always right. If they ask for a discount, you have to give them something. A sales leader may carry a different set of adapted messages:Strong negotiators never give ground. Your job is to close. Don’t come back without the order.
The Child state reflects the feelings, reactions, and conclusions we formed during those early experiences. When present circumstances trigger those old responses, we may find ourselves reacting emotionally—seeking approval, becoming defensive, withdrawing, or rebelling—rather than responding to the situation as it actually exists.
Then there is the Adult state. The Adult pays attention to what is happening right now. Instead of automatically replaying an old recording, the Adult takes in current information, evaluates it, and responds using the resources, experience, and judgment available in the present. That is where effective negotiation needs to take place: Adult to Adult.
WHY ADULT-TO-ADULT MATTERS MORE NOW THAN EVER
This principle has become even more important as selling and negotiating dynamics have shifted. A buyer today may enter a negotiation armed with AI-generated research, competitive comparisons, pricing information, and internally generated recommendations. The conversation itself may move from email to video to messaging to a live meeting without ever following a neat, linear sales sequence. And while technology can give both parties far more information than was once available to guide a purchase decision, it cannot guarantee either party will use that information rationally. For all of these reasons, Adult-to-Adult interactions are the gold standard for today’s professional sellers.
One common example is when a buyer says, “Your competitor is 15 percent cheaper. Unless you match that number, there’s nothing to discuss.” The Parent response might be: “You can’t compare their solution with ours.” A Child-state response might be immediate submission: “Let me see what I can do on price.” The Adult response is neither. It is curiosity.
- “Could you help me understand how you arrived at the comparison?”
- “What differences did you identify between the two options?”
- “What besides price will determine the decision?”
Questions like these do not surrender control of the negotiation. They create better information. The same principle applies to sales leadership. When a salesperson comes back from a difficult negotiation having made an unnecessary concession, “How many times have I told you not to do that?” is a classic Parent response. It may express frustration accurately, but it does little to improve the next negotiation. An Adult-to-Adult coaching question is more useful: “What happened in the conversation that made you believe you needed to concede?” Now you are examining the decision rather than judging the person.
Before your next negotiation, it may be useful to listen for the old recordings. You may notice the shoulds, shouldn’ts, alwayses, and nevers running through your head. One simple question may help: What is actually happening right here, right now? That question can bring you back to the Adult state—and back to the negotiation you are actually in the middle of.
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