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Bravery & Courage

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The content of this recording is copyrighted by Sandler Systems, LLC. All rights reserved.

Transcript

Glenn Mattson
Welcome to the Building Blocks of Success. Today is going to be season three, episode three. Today we're going to be talking about bravery issues and how to break out of your own comfort zone. We have to take a look at how we can achieve our full potential not only in business, but in life. So let's get started into what we'll call bravery. And then today we're going to take a look at just really three, what I'll call roadblocks holding us back from really maximizing our bravery.

Glenn Mattson
The first roadblock I want to share with you today really is something that has to deal with fear of failure. And I've been through this and another podcast of mine. And I will tell you a fear of failure is by far the most dominating weakness that we have. Most dominating roadblock that we have when it comes to our ability to grow. When we look at really failure, anytime that we take a risk, anytime that we want to do something, anytime that we try something, there is always going to be one of two outcomes. And it's really that's it. Those two outcomes are we achieve what we were hoping for, or we achieve a different result. And many of us grew up in a society or a household that if we didn't get what we wanted, i.e., success, the other outcome of taking a risk is then failure. So we look at failure really as a negative connotation. And that's amazing to see that we will either fail, or we will succeed. And when we don't succeed, we're kind of a loser. And that's the negative connotation that's connected to it. So many, many, many people see failing as a negative. And we really have to understand that and come to grips with that. And accept it that it's part of our upbringing, part of our scripts that when we were children, that when we tried something and it didn't work out, we saw it as a negative, you know, a lot of people that are held back by the fear of failure. You know, we all know that failure is really a necessary part of growth and learning. Without failure, we're never going to know what we're honestly capable of. And we won't have ideas of how we can improve and where we can improve. 

Glenn Mattson
So when we look at failure in definition, or defining failure, we really have to understand that failure for the most part is a deep seated psychological fear that we have from our early childhood experiences and our expectations. So it's when we were a kid, for goodness sakes, and any time that we tried to do something, and it didn't work out either mistake or a setback. We saw it as honestly, personal humiliation, rejection, loss of self-worth, people made fun of us because we couldn't do something. So this fear of failure is really about embarrassment. Embarrassment of how we're going to be seen by others. So because of that people who suffer from fear of failure often avoid taking risks or pursuing their dreams because they're afraid of the potential consequences, the potential outcomes of failure. And not only does it hold them back in their professional career, a ton. Think of all the things that you've done on a personal level that you really wanted to but what would happen if it didn't work out? Or what would happen if I walked over to say hello to someone and you know, they just laughed at me or they weren't warm and friendly back to me? 

Glenn Mattson
So more times to none, it's literally our fear or anticipation of worst case and that humiliation or embarrassment or rejection socially by friends or others will hold us back from trying. You know, and we've heard me talk about this, you know, I'm a massive proponent of understanding the fear of failure. You know, and I'll say it all day long, but failure is a natural part of growth. And it's actually essential to learning. It teaches us really valuable lessons about ourselves, about our support system, about our belief systems, about what's important and really a value to us and really around us. You really find out a hell of a lot more about yourself, when you get knocked down, and you're sitting there, on one knee or no knees, you're down. And you're sitting there contemplating life, it's a whole different set of circumstances than when you're sitting in the winner's box having everyone taking your pictures. So when you fail, we're really forced to confront our weaknesses. We have to evaluate our strategies and what we've been doing and how we got there to honestly see if it's working. This process can lead you to really being true on your self-evaluation, being true on taking a look at the stock of yourself and what you did and didn't do. Stop making excuses. Stop blaming other things. If you weren't prepared, and you gave it a shot, and it didn't work out. Two points for giving it a shot. But also oh, we got to realize you you weren't prepared. So you got the outcome that honestly your preparation got you ready for. So why be embarrassed? You didn't do the pre-work. 

Glenn Mattson
So it helps us really define our path to success and redefine our goals and really figure out, you know, who we are. So one of the big roadblocks for bravery is this fear of failure. And I just want to share with you just a few things that you can do to really overcome your fear of failure and it does take time, you are going against scripts early on in your life. I mean, if you really think about it, you're four years old, young children do not have a fear of failure, it is learned. And you're a young child, and maybe you're trying to learn how to play something or you're learning how to do something. And maybe you go to a location and you're learning how to do a somersault or cartwheel, and you're not doing it 100% accurate and everyone starts making fun of you. They start laughing because you look funny when you do it. Well, if that laughter makes you feel bad about yourself, and that laughter is something that you say, oh, I'm never gonna do that again. They're laughing at me because I just did a cartwheel not right. Well, that's the feelings that you have based on the episode. So all of a sudden, 30 years later, you're not going to remember being laughed at for a cartwheel, but you will remember that if you don't do it, right, you don't feel good. And you don't want to repeat that. So there are some things that we can do. And that's really talking back to your child to ask your child some of the things that you were afraid of. Is it really still valid? Right, like talking to strangers? Well, that may be true, but it may not be true. You walk into a networking meeting, and there's a bunch of people there. Well, your role is to go talk to a lot of people. But when you were four years old, maybe your mom or dad told you don't talk to strangers, right? Don't go talk to people you don't know. Well, that's a good script when you're four and five and six years old. It's a good script that if you're in the middle of the night, and it's dark out, and you're walking around a city, maybe but you're in a networking meeting, or you're in a function at work and you have to go talk to other people standing like you know, a bump on a log or standing in the corner like you're coat rack is not advantageous. So we do have to go out and talk with people. 

Glenn Mattson
So there are times their scripts are good and there's times that scripts are no good. So you're gonna have to ask yourself, is what you're afraid of and what your belief is, is it really supporting what you need to do and where you need to go? So many of us would turn around and say without trying something how are you ever gonna get good at it? Without failing how are you ever going to know what not to do? You know, I always tell my students you know if you're if you're trying to make a phone call and you're gonna get rejected or hung up on nine times, but you'll get one person to say yes to meet you. And your goal is to get an appointment every day. That's getting kicked in the head nine times to get one yes, that's getting nine rejections for one yes. Why don't you just turn it around and say my goal is to get nine mean people that tell me no. If you get nine people to tell you no, a byproduct of that is you're gonna get your one yes. So really change your self-talk. Take a look at and identify what are those scripts. Very important to identify it. 

Glenn Mattson
Second thing you can do really quick to overcome your fear of failure is start to look at and understand that without failure, there is zero way of growth, right. So that's a growth mindset. That's taking a look at failing your way to success. Which is really about the third way I can help you overcome fear of failure, which is really manageable in bite sized pieces. So break your goals into real small steps that are not going to be overwhelming. And when you accomplish each step, you got to celebrate. And I know it sounds crazy, but you know, if you want to go to the gym, and you want to get up, and it's tough for you to get up early, and you got up early, and you're in the shower, and you're going to the gym, you got to congratulate yourself for getting up. And I know it sounds crazy, but it wasn't as easy as it may have been for others, right. So you got to take small bite sized pieces, imagine it as a staircase going upstairs. So when you look at it, what's something that's a little easier that you can do that knows that you can win. So small, manageable pieces, it helps you learn to win, instead of being afraid to lose. 

Glenn Mattson
The fourth thing I want to share with you and ways that you can overcome your fear of failure is support groups, and accountability groups. And then to put those together. You got to surround yourself with people who think like you're trying to think. You need to surround yourself with people who are already doing and acting and thinking the way you want to. You don't want to be what's called the awake setter, which is the person that's in front of all your friends, and everyone else is behind you. You'd like to find someone who has of like mind, there's always going to be time in your life that you're going to be challenged to go back to the way you used to be. And understand that failure is something that you're going to avoid. So if you find yourself, you really need to have that support system to get you out of the old way into the new way. So that when you for instance, are making a phone call, and it doesn't go the way you want to, when you feel bad for whatever reason, and you want to get up and go to the coffee room or get up and walk around or just quit making phone calls and start doing paperwork for instance. You want that person next to you to say what are you doing? Come on, we've only made five dials, let's go, we got more to go. So you're looking for that person that when you fall off the horse, when you stop doing what you should be doing, they're next to you helping you get back on and you do the same for them. 

Glenn Mattson
Remember, I've said this a lot, you've heard me say it over and over and over again. And it's a great one liner that I got from my grandfather's you never can be an eagle if you're hanging out with a bunch of turkeys. You really want to know where you are or more importantly, where you're going, just look out who you're hanging with and who you're hanging with has a way more influence than you may ever think about who you are and what you can do. So make sure you support yourself with people that have the right scripts, not the ones that you used to have. 

Glenn Mattson
And last piece for overcoming your fear of failure is really practicing compassion and self-compassion is really important. Right, now failure and setbacks are natural, and you got to own them. And sometimes just saying, look, I chose to do this, is really embracing the fact that you did give up, you know why you gave up and you're gonna move forward the next day. It doesn't mean that I'm telling you to start making excuses, that drives me nuts. But if you choose not to do something, don't hide from that decision and be a little compassionate to yourself. You're going against 10, 15 20, 30, 40, 50 years of belief systems and it's going to take a little bit of time. 

Glenn Mattson
So incorporate these strategies into daily life and you're gonna overcome fear of failure unlock your really your full potential, your personal and your professional life. So fear of failure is huge. Think about all the things that in your personal life and in work that you could have done if you weren't afraid. I love saying that to all my clients all the time in coaching sessions, especially when they're coming up against something outside their comfort zone. And I'd always say what would you do if you weren't afraid? What would you say to that person if you weren't afraid of them? It won't be your next move if you weren't afraid of losing the sale. If that individual wasn't a CEO and was just your neighbor, what would you do? A lot of times when we change the environment, and we change the quote unquote, risk of failure, all the tactics come to us. So one way to really overcome some bravery issues is get rid of that fear of failure. 

Glenn Mattson
Always remember, if I wasn't afraid, what would I do? If I wasn't afraid, what would I do? And David Sandler has a rule for those of you in sales, he would always say, I'm financially independent, I don't need the business. I'm financially independent, and I don't need the business. Part of the issues in sales is the fear of failure happens a lot and prospecting and closing. But the fear of losing something that you don't have, a little different, right. And fear of something being large, or losing something you don't have, yet it's even worse, right. So those are some roadblocks you have for bravery is fear of failure. 

Glenn Mattson
The second one is really lack of confidence. So lack of confidence is very different than fear of failure. So when we look at really lack of confidence, I do want to share a couple things with you. So when we look at lack of confidence, it's important to understand that, you know, confidence is not necessarily when we don't believe in ourselves. Lack of confidence is when we don't believe in our ability to perform in our role. So lack of confidence is if I have to get up and do a free throws for basketball, right? I'm not very good at it, never been very good at it, I'm probably going to miss maybe 60 or 70% of them. But all of a sudden, you put a stadium full of people in there, and it's three seconds left, and we're down by one. I have to make both of them to win the game. My confidence level in my ability to make those shots is low. Not because I don't have confidence in me, it's because my confidence in my ability to perform in my role, i.e., shooting a free throw, is low. So, we have to take a look at confidence here for a second. 

Glenn Mattson
Now, when I talk about confidence, I mean that you have to believe that you can so those three words, I want you to think about when we talk about lack of confidence, I can, I will, I am. I can, I will, I am. I can, I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this. I can make that phone call, I will make that phone call, I am making that phone call. So whatever is the confidence issue, I can speak in public, I will speak in public, I am speaking in public. So when we look at whatever a roadblock is, first, you must have confidence that you can do it, then you have courage to do it. And you put confidence and courage together, that's positive experiences, which is, I am doing it. 

Glenn Mattson
So one way to build your confidence is to look yourself in the eye and say, can I do this? Do you know it? Do you have the knowledge? Have you practiced? Have you learned the script? Have you role played it enough? Whatever it may be, do you have the ability to do what the role calls for? That comes with confidence. If you know you can, if you know you're good at it, then all the doubt that you have around, I don't know what I'm doing or I'm not going to be good enough or they are older than me, so they know more than I do. All that stuff is going to be zapped in the head. And what I mean by that is you slap it right out of your brain. Is that you do have confidence just because someone's older than you, just because someone has a different dialect than you, just because someone's located a different place than you. That's not confidence. Confidence is in your ability that you know that you can do whatever is being asked of you. 

Glenn Mattson
So that for instance, whenever I have to speak in front of you know, five 6,000 people, that's a lot of people to be standing in front of, and when you're in that empty stage and you look out you're like, oh boy. And they turn the lights on, and everyone fills the room, oofah. It's really exciting and a lot of emotions going on, but the one thing I never want to pop in my head is I don't know my talk. When I know my talk and I know I know my talk, I stand up in front of that stage and I have confidence that I know my talk. And that gives me courage to act. So when you have negative beliefs, and bravery issues, saying you can't do this, what the hell are you thinking about, and all those negative beliefs that may pop in your head, especially when it's time to get outside your comfort zone.

Glenn Mattson
That's when you have to shut down those negative beliefs by telling them you do know what you're doing. You do have the ability to do this, I do know how to make that phone call, I do know how to a pivot, I do understand about personality styles. Whatever is what you need to know, remember, I can do this, I will do this, I am doing this. So the second roadblock for bravery is lack of confidence. That's honestly, your self-study to make sure that you know everything inside and out, so you have that confidence. Remember, confidence is in your ability to perform encourages is your belief in yourself. 

Glenn Mattson
Now, the third roadblock I want to share with you, when we talk about bravery is social pressures. You may say really, but it's very, very, very true. Society will often tell us what we should or shouldn't do. Society will tell us what we should or shouldn't do or say or shouldn't say. And it's really hard to break free of those norms. But the truth is taking risks and trying something new is really essential for what we're doing and then the ability for us to grow. 

Glenn Mattson
You have peer pressure, you have family pressure, I have one individual that their entire family is in this business, the one business and he really wanted nothing to do with it. And it was so much issues around having the courage and the bravery to tell your parents and your sisters and your siblings that I'm not going to get into the family business. So no one is born successful and we all have to get there at some level so are you getting pressure of what's supposed to be? Are you getting pressure of what your sister or your mother or your brother or your friends interpret what success is or how we should be acting? 

Glenn Mattson
I had social pressures when I was up in Connecticut, for instance, and all my friends, at the time, by the time was four o'clock, they were ready to rock and roll. Work was done. And not one of them worked past the time that the bell rang. And I knew that I wanted to work extra hours and longer hours and put more time in so I could have more time off, you know, in my 50s. That was a choice I wanted to make and if I made that choice, none of my peers were doing that. So they will be saying things like, well, what are you doing? What you can't be with was? What do you think you're better than us? So some people had different views of what work was than I did. And again, you have to understand that those scripts when people are saying to you or is it going to help you or hurt you. So you have to ask yourself is that same thing with confidence, right? With your friends or your family members are they actually helping you get to your vision? Or are they honestly being part of the roadblocks? And you really do have to understand what that looks like. 

Glenn Mattson
You know, all my brothers, for the most part, are business owners. And my parents are not. My parents come from a teaching background. So in their mind, you know, living on variable comp, living paycheck to paycheck, depending upon what you can produce was insanity to them. But if you asked me, living where I get the same paycheck every single every other week, regardless of what I do in terms of performance, I think that's crazy. So everyone has a different viewpoint, but the important thing is my parents never said what are you doing? Go get a job. That was their scripts, not ours.

Glenn Mattson
So when you taking a look at social pressures, and peer and family, just make sure that you know where they're going their viewpoints of what it is fit with yours. So when we take a look at bravery, bravery is huge, bravery is about how bad do you want something and what are you willing to give up or what are you willing to do to get it? Right, let's not overcomplicate this, but with bravery there's a couple of roadblocks. Fear of failure, lack of confidence and social. So change that perception of failure to lessons, ask yourself, the more lessons I get, the more successful I'm going to be. Trust me, the more lessons you're going to have, the more successful you will be. 

Glenn Mattson
Having confidence is knowing with your eyes closed without a doubt in your mind that you know exactly how to perform and how to do the job. That will give you the courage, that will also give you the mindset that says I can do this. So therefore, I will. And ultimately, you are right, I am doing it. And the last one is social pressures, which a lot of people don't think about, but it is way more rampant than you may think. So make sure that those individuals that are around you are not necessarily taken away from your bravery by their scripting. 

Glenn Mattson
So hopefully, you've gotten some great tips on how to deal with bravery, how to overcome bravery, and realize fear is everywhere. It's not uncomfortable or wrong to be afraid. Don't ever feel bad about being afraid. Don't ever feel bad about having some anxiety or bravery issues. It's what you do with those that separates all of us. Do you get immobilized or get motivated? Hope it helps you on your building blocks of success. Talk to you soon.

Glenn Mattson
This is the Building Blocks of Success with Glenn Mattson.